I want to confess something; something I’ve been ashamed of for a long time. For many years, I’ve suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD).
Wikipedia defines BDD as a mental disorder, characterized by obsessing over a certain aspect of one’s own body.
From a very young age, I’ve been in the habit of comparing my body with others, wondering, “Are my shoulders too wide? Are my thighs too thick? Are my hands too big?”. Any kid has their fair share of insecurities, but in my case, I was obsessive. I guess I just wanted to fit into society.
But now I am 30-something. My mind is healthier, as is my body. And I love it.
So you may be wondering, how did I get from “I hate my body” to “I love my body”? Let me share with you my dieting journey and how I conquered my fear of gaining weight.
Unhealthy self-persuasion
When you live in Japan, the majority of girls you see are skinny. I mean very, very skinny. Teenage me was somehow great at comparing myself with those girls and models, which reinforced the thought that I was not one of them. I had mistakenly programmed myself to think I needed to be skinny to have a great body.
I tried all sorts of diets. I cut carbs, had only grapefruit in the morning, drank oolong tea to help with digestion, and so on. I ended up liking to record my diet. I recorded what I ate and weighed myself every day.
It was great at first because I could see results quickly. But then, I started obsessing over my weight, so much so that I sabotaged myself with thoughts like “Oh dear, I only lost 500g today!” or “I shouldn’t have had those dumplings.”
It was endless. I became scared of weighing myself. My experience shopping for clothes changed from “Does this spark a joy?” to “Does this make me look skinnier?”
As I started my career, I naturally lost my weight because of stress. But it was never enough. I was still telling myself I was fat, which was excruciating.
From happiness to desperation
My first realization came from a reaction my mom had. I lived in New Zealand for three years. When I came back to Japan for New Year’s, my mom picked me up at the airport. When she saw, I could see the shock on her face.
“Oh my god, you look so skinny! And worn out!”
Because I didn’t see myself that way, I just laughed it off and we went back home together. But I weighed myself next day to see if she was right. And she absolutely was. I lost six kilograms, effortlessly.
When I carefully scrutinized myself in the mirror, I saw a sharp-looking jaw, an accentuated collarbone, and skinnier arms and legs. For an instant I was happy, but at the same time I was perplexed as to how I got here.
Then, I figured it out.
I had a boyfriend in New Zealand at that time, but looking back now, our relationship wasn’t healthy. We argued a lot, and he was obsessed with me.I felt like there was no way for me to get away.
I understood that the changes in my body came from the stress of our relationship.
Yes, I lost a lot of weight. But I was not the person I pictured in my mind. I just looked very tired and sad. Is this what I wanted?
No. Getting skinny didn’t mean that I had a perfect body. That was my first takeaway.
Freedom from body shaming
After I came back to Japan, I started working at a UX design company. When I visited a client in Hawaii, I saw a hula (hula dance) performance for the first time. I was profoundly inspired by their powerful movements. Upon returning to Japan, I immediately joined a hula studio.
When you dance hula, you use your core muscles to maintain balance. Therefore you’re likely to get toned abs and hips after a few months. Even though your weight doesn’t change much (sometimes you can gain weight through muscle) the shape of your body will be different. Hula led me to start seeing my body positively, and stop obsessing over numbers.
I decided to focus on how toned I was, rather than how much I weighed. I was finally able to have a new perspective on how I to look at my body.
Redefining beauty
My most recent realization came from someone I met online. Her name is Ashley Graham, and she is a model, entrepreneur and a body activist.
One day, I came across with her keynote at the 2016 Women Mean Business Luncheon. I was very awed and inspired. In the speech, she walks through her tumultuous journey as a plus-size model. She talks about how she overcame social pressure, leading her to finally find a true definition of beauty.
“Don’t let yourself be defined by the size of your clothes.”
“Body types need to be diverse too.”
“Confidence in yourself comes from accepting who you truly are.”
Her words moved my heart and mind. It was liberating. I’d always thought the girls we see in magazines are supposed to be our role models, but it became clear that we don’t have to look like them in order to be beautiful. In fact, I wanted to be a beautiful, confident and powerful woman like Ashley.
Weight is no longer a factor
And here I am, having accepted my insecurities and living freely. It took me over ten years to be set free, but it was definitely worth it.
To sum up, here are the takeaways from my experience:
- Shift your thinking from “Lose weight” to “Get toned”.
- Extreme dieting causes stress and rebound. (Seriously!)
- Choose clothes that fit your body.
- Don’t hide your flaws; show them off!
- Compare yourself with your past self, not with others.
My goal is no longer to have a skinny body. I am aiming for a curvy and toned body, with a healthy mindset that doesn’t worry about weight.
Currently, I’ve also gotten into learning about muscle and bone structure. I want to know everything there is about this new path I’ve chosen: The path to loving myself more.
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エッセイの日本語版は以下より (You can find Japanese version from below)
