I have lived overseas for a several years and came back to Japan 5 years ago. Living outside of Japan and meeting people with different culture broadened my horizon which gave me a new perspective about Japanese culture.
I really wanted to write about my thought on Japanese culture. So I collaborated with a great friend of mine, Alex to cover the same topic from different perspectives. First topic is dating. Because I’m always fascinated and a little bit frustrated by Japan’s dating culture.I would say it is conservative and respectful but very homogeneous. There is still an old-fashioned romance that causes gender discrimination which is why I wanted to do something about it.
On the other hand, Alex wrote an article from the perspective of white guy who has been living in Japan. He walks you through Japanese dating scene based on his experiences. Please make sure to check it out too! (LINK)
Okay, let’s get started.
Age-old expectations in women
The first thing I want you to know is that the majority of Japanese men have the same expectations of women. They prefer women who are soft, humble, and family-oriented over those who are smart, strong, and independent.
To my great regret, I found out that being funnier, smarter or even making more money than men is likely to eject you out of the girlfriend zone. From what I’ve seen, the reason is that they’ll get scared if they feel like you can live without them.
When it comes to dating, there are two types of women in Japan. Ones who can adjust their behavior to meet men’s expectations, and ones who prefer being honest to their true selves.
The first type of women will do all sorts of things to make the man feel superior. For example, they won’t mind saying “I didn’t know” despite knowing exactly what their dates are talking about. Their strategy is to let the man keep his pride and make him feel good.
The second type of women (which, you’ve probably guessed by now, includes me) doesn’t use this strategy. We’re just honest. While many Japanese men will say that honesty is an important trait they look for in women, they’re usually not looking hard enough to let it hurt their pride.
That being said, I don’t blame Japanese men for preferring family-oriented women. They’ve been influenced by a generations-old culture. Men’s job is to make money and feed the family, whereas women’s job is to stay home and run the household. It’s that simple.
The thing is, these cultural values are disconnected from the reality of women in Japan. Since the Equal Employment Act was enacted 35 years ago, women have increasingly been doing the same work as men. Nowadays, you see a lot of career-focused women in Japan.
Despite the societal change, the stereotypical mentality that men work while women stay at home is still going strong. While women are expected to perform just as well as men in the workplace, we are still expected to be meek and humble when dating. It feels like as a woman, to be successful in both life and love, you need to have a double personality.
-Quick example
In my personal experience of dating Japanese men, I’ll usually get to a point where my honesty will scare them off.
One time I was passionately talking about my job and my aspirations to my date when he just looked at me and said, “I have never met a girl who talks about her job during a date.” That blew me away. According to his experience, girls usually talk about celebrities, gossip, food and hobbies. How are you supposed to get to know each other if you only talk about TV dramas, pancakes and Disneyland?
Another date was with a guy who, like me, has a career in marketing. Again, I scared him off by sharing what I have experienced in my career.To be clear, I wasn’t looking to upstage him or shatter his ego. I just wanted to exchange our thoughts and interests so we could get to know each other better. But obviously his goal was just to impress me with his own career, not hear about mine.
Insecurities boosted by society
The second thing you should know is how high the beauty standards are here. The girls you see on TV and in magazines all look the same: big eyes, double eyelids, long eyelashes, a small face, white skin, a skinny figure and effortless wavy hair.
In Japan, wherever you go, you’re constantly being bombarded with ads. Imagine having your insecurities pointed out to you every single day — things like, “If you want a boyfriend, you shouldn’t have any body hair at all.” or “The skinnier, the better”.
As a result, young people not only get depressed because of their body but also feel like they don’t fit into society. These negative emotions fuel the beauty industry. Eyelid tape, fake tear bags, skin-whitening, hair removal; there are so many products to help us become who we want to be, as long as who we want to be is in line with the high standards set by society and the media.
We are starting to see some diversity in brands, but not enough to support people struggling with their own insecurities. Japanese comedian and actress Naomi Watanabe is probably the only curvy Japanese woman who has so far been successful in the entertainment industry.
There are more curvy women in the comedy industry but why? Because the audience finds it more acceptable; it “makes sense” for comedians to come in many shapes and sizes, whereas there is only one accepted size for models and actresses. In other words, based on their looks, women in Japan will either belong in comedy, acting, TV, or magazines. Society has conditioned us to think that “funny women” and “beautiful women” have a different type of body.
Social pressure and age
It’s not easy for 30-something single women to live in Japanese society. Although there are more career-focused women than before, you still get judgmental comments all the time. Parents, neighbors — even your company is concerned with your social status!
I’m lucky my family is totally fine with having an unmarried daughter. However, my neighbors care about my relationship status. Every time I see them, I hear, “You should get married and have kids while you’re young!” I wish I could just tell them I accepted Jesus as the only man in my life, so they’d get off my back.
It got me thinking about why my dating life matters to them, even though I’m not part of their family. In the old days, Japanese families used to live in houses connected to one another. We had a community in which we supported and cared for each other.
Maybe my neighbors just wanted to help me because to them, I look miserable. But that’s their perspective, not mine.
That being said, it’s not worth getting into a conflict with them. We were raised in a different generation. So I just smile at them and thank them for their concern, without really taking what they say to heart.
The importance of diversity
“You only date Gaijin, (外人/foreigners) right?”
I get that assumption a lot. People who told me this think I don’t like Japanese men. It’s not quite true. I mean, I do date non-Japanese men more than Japanese men, but based on what I wrote above, I’m sure you see why.
It is not my intention to attack Japanese men. I just want to call out a stereotypical mentality that desperately needs to be updated. It’s okay to not look a certain way. It’s okay to think differently. Just because Japan is a homogeneous nation doesn’t mean we’ve figured out the best culture, and nothing needs to change. Quite the contrary. We need diversity in our life more than ever.
How can we break the men-work-women-stay-at-home mentality? I think we need to learn how to accept who we really are and embrace our uniqueness. The most impactful approach would be for the Japanese government and media to take a stand, but that will probably take a while.
So instead of just waiting, I intend to keep raising my voice. Even if my own contribution is tiny, I know many women feel the way I do. I know many blame themselves, or have given up altogether. I don’t accept that. Alone, my voice may not be much, but together, we can be a force for change.
